alegml's Musings

#rape #sexualassault

There have been many ways to write about what happened to me before Christmas of 2025. Like many women, I trusted someone who turned out to be the opposite of what he said he was.

On the evening of December 6th, I was raped twice in the backseat of his truck. I survived by freezing and fawning. I’ve learned that neither reaction is a signal of consent. But I will say that my hardened badass self feels very ashamed of not fighting back. In my fantasies of how I would behave during any type of attack, I believed that I would fight to the death and prove the opponent wrong for ever doubting my ferocity. Reality isn’t as straightforward as those dreams. Reality shows us that death and harm can be inflicted in ways that we had not foreseen.

Freezing and fawning are the opposite responses to fight-or-flight in our efforts to survive a dangerous situation. Freezing – “…the body conserves energy and immobilizes itself to minimize further harm, pain, or detection” (Dempsey, 2026). Fawning – “When resistance and escape fail, the body attempts to neutralize a threat by appeasing, pleasing, or placating it” (RAINN, n.d.). Both responses are entirely valid responses. After all, in my case, I was in the backseat of a full-sized truck in the middle of winter. I knew that I wouldn’t be able to get out of there unscathed.

I don’t yet recognize this “After Me” version of myself.  This version took over a month to determine if I was complicit and had cheated on my husband or if I had been raped. It took a text chat with a RAINN support counselor to help guide me to the decision that I was NOT complicit. During that time, I led my husband to believe I had cheated on him. 25 years together and 20 years of marriage, and I had been sexually assaulted by a potential poly partner. I questioned all of my inclinations as a polyidentifying person. Couples and independent therapy have been such a useful tool.

Once again, I am reworking this post from January/February. I am unsure about publishing it, but I want others to see the true strength under all the ugly bits and pieces that survived. Yes, I still suffer the aftereffects of being sexually assaulted, but I refused after it happened, and I still refuse now to let it dictate my actions or my emotions.

“…the color of death, of sorrow, was white.” Sarah J. Maas A Court of Wings and Ruin

References:

Dempsey, W. (2026). Trauma Responses: A Deeper Look at Freeze and Fawn. Retrieved from https://www.headsheldhighcounseling.com/post/trauma-responses-a-deeper-look-at-freeze-and-fawn/

(N.d.). Retrieved from https://rainn.org/mental-health-therapy-support-after-sexual-violence/fight-flight-freeze-and-fawn-understanding-survival-responses/